A Good Outcome
by Silverhare
Summary: Ahiru and Fakir discuss matters of sexuality.


Autumn leaves drifted down from the trees around them in the slight breeze; one landed on Ahiru's forehead, and she giggled before plucking it off and tossing it onto the grass. Turning her head to look at Fakir where he lay beside her on the blanket, she saw that a couple had fallen on his chest, but he didn't seem to have noticed as he continued to read his book.

"You've got some on you, silly," she said as she propped herself up on her elbow and brushed them off him. She felt him shiver slightly, but she didn't know if it was because of the crisp air or if it was a reaction to her touch.

"Thanks." He moved his book so he could look at her and smile, and she blushed and smiled back.

"Y-you're welcome."

She laid back down, but didn't feel like returning to her own book just yet. It was a perfect mid-autumn afternoon, clear and cool, and the pale sunlight sparkled prettily on the lake. Over their heads, clouds moved lazily past in the bright blue sky, and Ahiru decided to fix her attention on trying to figure out what kind of shapes they could possibly be, what they resembled.

They were too abstract even for her fanciful and imaginative mind to assign identities to, however, and so her thoughts began to drift. Down a long and winding road they wandered, though one point seemed to pop up over and over until she found herself unable to keep silent any longer. "Fakir?"

"Yeah?"

"I, um… well, I hope I'm not bothering you, but… can I ask you a question? It - it's kinda important, I guess, at least it is to me, but if you're too busy reading I can wait."

"No. I mean - no, it's fine." Fakir located his bookmark, marked his place in the book, and set it aside. "Go ahead."

"Well, I - I've been meaning to ask you this for a while cause I'm really curious, but I just haven't gotten around to it cause I keep forgetting or it's a bad time or other stuff, but anyway…" She paused to gather her thoughts and figure out how to phrase her question. "Well, first, I wanna let you know that I really do like you the most, I mean, I love you, you know what I mean, but… you're the only one I want, okay?"

"Yeah, I know." Fakir's brow knit in confusion, though she couldn't see it from her position - where in the world could she be going with this? "Go on."

"O-okay, that's good, so um…" Ahiru took a deep breath. "See, I… I've known for a while now that I don't just find boys attractive, I like girls too, in _that_ way, even though I really don't want to be with anybody but you, I know I said that already but you have to know that… but anyway, I was wondering if it was the same for you, do you like only girls, or do you like boys too?"

That, Ahiru would later remember, was the moment she finally learned what it meant when a book talked about a "loud silence". It was a human idiom she hadn't properly understood before, because it sounded so weird and contradictory, but it suddenly made sense in the face of Fakir's complete lack of a response to her question.

The longer it dragged on, though, the more nervous she got over what she hadn't thought was a big deal, and she found herself fidgeting. "Um… F-Fakir?" She didn't know what she would see if she looked at his face, and couldn't bring herself to. Why was he so quiet? Was it really a weird thing? Had she made him angry somehow, was he insulted despite her efforts to assure him of her feelings for him? "Is - are you - are you mad at me? Did - did I ask something weird, did I say something bad?" Her hands went to the locket around her neck that he'd bought her for her birthday, and she clutched at it, wanting to twist it as she sometimes did with her skirts, but afraid of breaking it somehow. "Does - does it bother you that I - that I'm like that, that I feel those things?"

Her voice caught, and it put a crack in Fakir's heart at the sound. "No, I…" He sighed. "I'm sorry. No, it doesn't bother me at all, you didn't say anything bad. Don't worry. It's just... it's…" He paused for a moment to decide what to say, as she had. "It's an… uncomfortable subject for me, for… for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I'm sorry to worry you, I just… I didn't know how to answer at first."

"Oh." Ahiru's grip on the necklace relaxed. "So um… are you, then? Attracted to guys too, I mean?"

"… Yeah," he said quietly. "I am." It was the first time he'd said it out loud to anyone, and despite that Ahiru had already signaled her acceptance of it, it didn't stop his heart from racing or his stomach tying itself into knots.

"Oh. Okay. So then, how come…" Ahiru trailed off as it dawned on her. "… _Oh._ You… you felt that way about Mytho, didn't you? Like I did? Is that why it's uncomfortable, cause he's one of the guys you've had those feelings towards?"

"… sort of." Fakir closed his eyes. "I mean… yeah… he's one of the ones I've… but at same time I don't… I don't know, it's…" He sighed. "I don't know if it was really the same as it was for you. I don't know if I was necessarily in love with him, or if I was it wasn't in the same way that you were, that Rue is, it was… different. Complicated." He sighed again. "I was attracted to him. I know that much. But I tried to repress it, to deny it, for several reasons, and it was tangled up with so many other things that it's hard to define _what,_ exactly, it was that I felt for him back then."

"What kind of stuff?" Ahiru rolled over on her side so she could gaze at his profile. "I - I mean, if you're okay with talking about it…"

"Hero worship. Idealization of who he was, what he represented to me. Don't forget, I knew him pretty well before I even met him, thanks to _The Prince and the Raven_." He opened his eyes to stare up at the sky. "It took me a while to get through what there was of the book, both because of the style Drosselmeyer wrote it in and because I couldn't stop rereading certain parts having to do with Mytho. I was… captivated by him, by the perfect, heroic prince who fearlessly put his life on the line to protect others. That was the ideal to me, everything I wanted to be. Everything I subconsciously knew already I couldn't be, but still was desperate to live up to. All the more so after meeting him." He closed his eyes again. "Which was a dream come true at first, and I spun all these wild stories in my head - because even then the storytelling couldn't let go of me or I couldn't let go of it, not completely - about how I would be his loyal knight, who protected him from all harm and stood bravely at his side in battle. But then I found out how hard it really was to take care of a person like that who'd had all emotions removed from him, who didn't feel pain and barely understood anything except for when someone weaker was in danger. And then on top of that…"

"You got to _that_ part of the book," Ahiru guessed. He still had nightmares about that, and about other things too, and now that they were sharing a bed - albeit secretly - she was able to comfort him when that happened, holding him and stroking his hair until he calmed down. He did the same for her whenever a bad dream disturbed her sleep too; they always did their best to support and take care of each other, to lend one another strength whenever one of them was in need.

"… Yeah." His hand came up almost on its own, to lay upon the part of his chest that she knew was marked with the manner of his fictional counterpart's death, and the look that passed over his face for just a moment was so vulnerable that it made her heart ache for him. "I was scared. You know already what that did to me." Shame crept into his voice, shame and self-loathing. "To then experience those kinds of feelings towards him, and realize what they were… that was frightening too. Frightening and confusing. I tried to control them the way I tried to control him, to force them down and not think about them. I was already convinced on some level that I didn't need emotions either, that I was supposed to lock away my feelings to be a better knight, and that sealed it. I was horrified with myself for feeling that way, I thought I wasn't supposed to."

Ahiru frowned. "How come?" Had someone said something to make him think it wasn't okay to feel that way towards other boys? That seemed mean, she couldn't see what could be wrong about feeling attracted to more than one gender, or even just to your own gender. Weren't those normal things that just varied from person to person? She honestly couldn't see anything strange about it, and so she really hadn't thought it'd be a big deal to ask Fakir if he was like her in that regard, she hadn't imagined that anyone could think it was a bad thing. It seemed like she was always learning something new about human society, and not all of it made sense to her. Not all of it was nice.

"For… a few reasons." He didn't feel like going into a history lesson right now; that could wait. "One of which was that, well… for a long time, I don't think I really saw him as being a real person, or at least not as real as other people. He was from a book, after all, and lacked a heart - hell, he didn't even have a heartbeat, when I found him Charon and I thought he was dead until he opened his eyes - and so to me he wasn't much more than a storybook character. And how could you feel that way about a character, someone who wasn't real? That was weird to me. And like I said before it was all tangled up with that other stuff, so at the same time there was this… distance to it. It was a bit…" He searched for the right word. "Courtly. For a while I thought that maybe I was just so enamored of all that other stuff that I was getting mixed up, that I didn't really feel that way towards him, I was just caught up in that distant infatuation and confused, and that helped me feel better for a while."

"But then you experienced those kinds of feelings towards someone else, right?" Ahiru ventured. "Some other guy?" Fakir nodded.

"It was… upsetting." He exhaled. "To know that I really _was_ like that, that it was possible I really did feel that way towards Mytho too… I didn't want to deal with it, I let myself be angry about it for a while and then tried my hardest to repress it. To focus my attention on my warped idea of protecting him, of being the perfect knight." He gave a bitter laugh. "I was anything but though, wasn't I? Nothing happened between us, I never touched him like that, but…" He lifted his hand from his chest and laid his arm over his eyes. "It still doesn't make what I felt for him healthy in any way, because of the way I didn't see him as real for so many years. But he was a real person all along, and I was doing real damage to him out of my own cowardice. And the _things_ that those feelings imply about how I treated him…" A shudder of pure, self-directed revulsion passed through him.

"Huh?" Ahiru peered at what she could see of his face. "What do you mean? I thought you said you didn't do anything…"

"Not like that, no. But what does it say about the things I _did_ do? And not just to him, either - look at how I was to Rue. I convinced myself that I didn't want her around him, that I wanted to limit her access to him, because I never fully trusted her not to take advantage of his heartlessness, and I know I had reason to suspect that of people, but what if that wasn't all there was to it?" He took a deep breath and let it out. "What if I was jealous of her, what if I was afraid that she'd take him away from me? What if part of me harbored the same fear she did, that drove her to embrace being Princess Kraehe… the fear that if he got his heart back he'd reject me, abandon me, and that's part of why I tried so hard to keep him from regaining it, on top of being selfish and scared?" He shuddered again. "God… I was such a _monster_ back then…"

"You aren't now, though," Ahiru whispered, and reached over to squeeze his shoulder. "You… you're different now, Fakir. You're better now. You stopped being like that, and you became who you are now, and I think this is the real you, the person you were inside all along but tried not to be, I remember how nice you were to me as a duck when you found me in your locker, and I know you always really cared about him, it wasn't _just_ cause you were afraid of dying that you acted that way, and you don't even know if it was really as bad as you're afraid of it being."

"Maybe not," Fakir conceded. "But no matter how much I cared or how I really felt about him, it doesn't erase all those years of cruelty and, frankly, abuse. It doesn't justify it or make it any better." He sighed. "Nothing does."

"Well… no. No, it doesn't." Ahiru shook her head. "I know that. I do. I just… I don't like seeing you hate yourself so much, even though you did do really bad things… I don't know… it's…" She bit her lip and looked down at the blanket they were lying on. "I don't wanna make it sound like I think what you did back then is okay, cause I know it wasn't, no matter how you felt about Mytho. But at the same time it makes me sad to see you in so much pain, cause I care so much about you… does that make sense? Is it weird? Am I weird? It's just… I…" She struggled to find a way to express herself properly. "It's hard to explain, I know I'm not saying it right… I guess I just think that, since we've all forgiven you, you should try to forgive yourself too. You should still remember what you did and try not to be that person anymore, I'm not saying you shouldn't still feel bad about it or think it was okay, cause it's not, but…" She made a little noise of frustration, knowing it still wasn't coming out right. "I guess… I just… I'm so proud of who you are now that I don't want you to think you're worthless or don't deserve good things cause of who you were then, when you've worked so hard to change and apologized and tried to make things right, that's worth something, you know? If you were really that terrible you wouldn't ever have felt sorry at all and we wouldn't be like this now."

"I know." Fakir opened his eyes and peeked over at her. "It's all right, Ahiru… I think I understand what you're trying to say, and I appreciate it." He didn't remind her that it was all thanks to her that he'd changed into who he was now, didn't bring up that it was her influence that'd made him into the person he was today; she knew that already. He'd started falling for her not long after he'd finally begun to recognize Mytho as a real person with real feelings and wishes to be respected, and that had been confusing and frightening in its own way. But without even knowing it she'd helped him find the strength to not let fear ruin him all over again, she'd taught him how important it was to respect another person's desires and consent, and he'd never do anything to her like what he'd done to Mytho. To control someone else like that… he didn't want that anymore. Regaining his memory of how badly his Spinning powers could hurt others had put the fear of that level of control over another person's life into him, and it was only because of Ahiru's support and encouragement that he'd been strong enough to use those powers to help her save the town and then, later, to give her back her human form when she asked for it. That had made an important difference: that she'd _asked_ for those things, that they were what _she_ truly wanted. He would never have transformed her back if she hadn't expressed the desire for it. The very idea of doing so against her will revolted him.

"I dunno how you understood any of that, but okay." Ahiru sighed. She would have fallen silent, but then a thought occurred to her. "Oh, but, um… have you told Mytho about any of this? I know you apologized, but did you tell him about… about the way you felt about him?"

"No." Fakir shook his head, and moved his arm back down to lay it across his stomach. "I… left that out. In fact, until now I've never told anyone that I have those kinds of feelings at all, you're the first one to know." It was possible that Charon and maybe Raetsel had wondered about his… inclinations, but they'd never asked and he'd never said anything. And now that he was with Ahiru they probably figured he was straight and that was that, despite that it didn't work that way. Not that he cared to have that conversation with someone he didn't feel certain would understand, though. "And that's because… not everyone is as accepting as you are, and…" He swallowed. "I… thank you. I'm… glad I can be open about this part of myself with you, that you're okay with it."

"Oh, Fakir…" Ahiru snuggled closer to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and taking his hand in hers. "Of course I'm okay with it. There's nothing wrong with you being that way and having those feelings, and I'm happy we have that in common. But even if we didn't, I'd still love you the way you are."

They laid there in silence for a few minutes, not an awkward one this time but a peaceful one, just listening to the other breathe and holding hands. There was so much Fakir wanted to say to her in response, but even if he could've found the words to put it all in he didn't trust his voice, not at all, not now. There was a lump in his throat and his eyes were stinging with tears that blurred his vision; the sheer amount of relief coursing through him was so immense, so intense, that he felt almost dizzy with it.

Ahiru _understood_. She understood and she accepted him, wholly and without question or trepidation. Moreover, she was the same as he was, it was part of why she understood so well and so deeply. He'd already known for a long time that she was wonderful, but now it turned out that she was even better than he'd thought. He could truly be himself around her, he could let her see all of himself, he didn't have to be closeted around her or hide who he really was, because she saw his true self and loved him for who he was, exactly the way he was. It wasn't lost on him in the slightest how lucky he was to be with her, and the joy and wonder of it was overwhelming.

When at last he felt he could speak without his voice shaking or cracking, he did so in the lightest tone he could manage. "I could tell, you know. About you."

"What?" Ahiru looked up at him, and he gave her a little smile. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"Well… I've seen the way you blush around girls like Freya, so I suspected before you said anything." He laughed softly. "You're not exactly subtle."

"Wh-what?" Ahiru's eyes flew wide, and color appeared in her cheeks. "I - oh no - oh Fakir, no, it's not - it's not like that, I mean… I mean… I am attracted to her a-and some others, but - but it's not like what I feel for you, not at _all_, you're the only one I actually want to be with, please, you have to understand that… I…"

"Relax, idiot." He shifted so that he could lie on his side and face her. "I'm only teasing you. But if it's upsetting you, I'll stop," he added in a softer voice. "I'm sorry."

"N-no, it's okay, I'm not upset, I just…" She took a deep breath and let it out. "I mean it, Fakir, you're the one I'm most attracted to of _anyone,_ you're the only one I wanna be with, I don't want you to worry about that…"

"I'm not." He reached out to brush some of her hair out of her eyes. "I know how you feel about me, I'm not worried that you want someone else more. I may not always feel deserving of your feelings, but that doesn't mean I'm not aware of them." His hand stilled on her cheek. "You've never been subtle with me either, after all. It took me a while to catch on, but that was because of me, not you." He'd been so wrapped up in trying to conceal his feelings for Ahiru, as well as being convinced that she'd never see him that way (not that he blamed her in the slightest, he knew he wasn't owed her affections or anything silly like that and would've been happy just having her in his life and being her friend) that it had come as a complete surprise to him when she'd confessed her love one day. Looking back the signs that she was at the very _least_ strongly attracted to him were obvious, but it was easy to see how he'd been oblivious to them at the time.

"W-well, to be fair to you I _was_ trying to hide it," Ahiru admitted. "Cause I was afraid of you rejecting me."

"I never will," Fakir said softly, and he rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "I hope you know that now. And… I also hope you know that it's the same for me. You're the one _I'm_ most attracted to, the only person I want to be with. I don't want anyone else." He was all too aware of how insecure she'd always been, how she thought herself inadequate and unlovable even though that couldn't be further from the truth; the last thing he wanted was to do anything that would make those insecurities worse. Hurting her like that was unthinkable. He knew she wasn't dependent on him for self-esteem, but he nevertheless liked to let her know in any way he could just how much she meant to him, how highly he thought of her, to give her the same emotional support she always gave him.

"I do know all that, don't worry." Ahiru touched the back of his hand. "I know you only want to be with me. I know you love me." She still felt sometimes like it was too good to be true, that she was so deeply loved by the person she loved so much, but he proved to her every day that it _was_ real. Being with Fakir was everything she ever could have asked for - he made her so happy and she knew she made him happy too and they were true partners who supported each other and treated one another with kindness and love. They were both flawed, but that was okay too because they didn't let that stop them from loving one another's true selves without any reservations. They'd forged a real connection during the story, a foundation of friendship, and it grew stronger with each passing day.

"Yes." He whispered it, but the emotion contained in that single word was loud and clear all the same. "I do." He stroked her cheek, and then they both leaned in at the same time for a kiss that was soft and lingering and achingly tender, at least at first. No more words were needed just then to express the depth of their love for each other, they instead let their bodies speak for them as they clung to each other and kissed with a passion so intense that the world around them seemed to melt away, even if only for a few minutes. In that moment, all that mattered was one another. They laid there for several minutes more after the kiss finally ended, trembling in each other's arms as they caught their breath, with quiet adoration shining in their eyes.

When finally they packed up and left - albeit not without pausing to hug each other tightly - they walked home hand in hand, as they always did. This time, though there was something different about it, something better. For as they would admit and agree later, they both felt even closer and more connected to each other than they had before that afternoon, and they needed no words to communicate that either, only eye contact and shared smiles and a squeeze of their joined hands. It was, in their view, an even better outcome than either of them had dared to hope for; and they would never stop being grateful either for each other or for Ahiru's decision to ask the question that had brought them to this wonderful new place.


End file.
